Lost and found

Lost in the crowd. She was looking for her bearings, looking for a footing for herself. Bullshit! She was trying to look for herself in them. She’d lost herself years ago and now, she was trying to find her identity. Who was she? She didn’t know. They asked her that question often and she? She just shrugged casually but, the hesitance was visible if you looked carefully, her shoulders stiff when she answered with, “I’m lost.” And then, she’d move away further, looking here and there and everywhere.

She’d spent so much time being lost and now, she wanted to be found. She wanted to be noticed. She felt like the ‘Nowhere Man’ The Beatles spoke about. “He’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody. Doesn’t have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to, isn’t he a bit like you and me?” But here, she didn’t feel a bit like him. No, she felt just like him. As if the song was written for her. She was a nobody, the ‘Nowhere Lady’ she liked to call herself.

Exhausted from her search, she lay in her world of whites and blues. Her room, her sanctuary, her world away from the world. That was her nowhere land where she made her nowhere plans for herself. “Tomorrow,” she said, “tomorrow I’ll find myself and if I fail, I’ll make myself.” with the new found determination she fell asleep, dreaming about what tomorrow shall bring.

With the rays of the sun filtering through her curtains, she felt her rays of hope brighten. Yeah, today she’d find herself. If not, she’d tear herself a new identity. And, tear she did. She spent the day trying to look for herself in them. Needless to say, she failed miserably. She couldn’t possibly find someone who was like her. Not even close. Something inside her flickered and she tried to look for it. Years of searching had made her an expert, she was sure she’d find what that flicker was. She looked inside herself and felt ecstatic! That would be an understatement. Her happiness couldn’t possibly, be explained in words. She was practically radiating waves of it from her body. She was the sunshine. All these years of searching for herself and she finally, found herself hidden within her. She wasn’t lost anymore and today when people asked her, “Who are you?” she grinned and clapped while answering them with, “I’m found.”

With her new found identity, she hopped and jumped around the town like a kid on Christmas morning. She was being herself and the people who so much as didn’t glance at her in the years gone, were today, smiling at her, some laughing even. “This is Christmas,” she told herself,”My Christmas!”

After a few weeks of having found herself and nothing better to do she decided to find her nowhere man, “Surely, it wouldn’t be that hard.” she thought to herself. With that, she started with her usual routine. Searching the crowd, only this time, it wasn’t herself she was looking for, it was him. A certain him, to be precise. And, find him, she did. He was the same guy she spent time with. They’d sit at the cafe and talk endlessly for hours. It truly was Christmas season for her. She wanted to help him find himself but, by the end of the day she felt her hopes dwindling, a little. This was too much work. She shook her head and promised him that she’d find him tomorrow. With that said, she left for her world.

The next day, with her hopes rejuvenated, she left in search of him. It wasn’t hard at all. He was sitting at their usual cafe. She strolled in withthat oh-so-contagious smile of her’s. Today, she decided to tell him her story. Her story of being lost and found. By the end of it, he was smiling just as brightly as her. And, she knew he too had found himself, just the way she did. She found herself distracted by his smile. It was blinding and she felt the world around her starting to disappear. The strumming of his guitar brought her out of her reverie. She laughed as he started singing ‘Always a woman to me’.

“She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. And she only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child but, she’s always a woman to me.” she laughed all through it. From being the ‘Nowhere Lady’ to being his ‘Woman’, that sure was some achievement! She’d found herself in being herself.

Not so Independent India

15th August 1947, Indians achieved freedom from the evil clutches of the British East India Company. Yeah, I say Indians and not ‘We’, because we got freedom but, the Indians back then, they achieved it, they fought for it. They were Indians in every sense of the word. They were the true blue Indians. Honestly, I can say, “I’m proud of my nation” but, I cannot ever bring myself to say, “I’m proud to be an Indian.” Why should I be? The only ones who really can say that are our soldiers- the jawaans, the naval officers, the air force officers- not us, never us. And, these Indians are the only ones I’m proud of.

We Indians are honoured to be protected by such dedicated soldiers. They give up their lives to protect us and what do we do? We mock them. Yes, that’s right. The Sardars are the ones who form The Indian Defence Forces majorly and it is them who we make sick jokes on? Why? You sleep soundly at night because you know that there are Indians at the borders who’re giving up on their sleep just so they could protect you. You don’t have to worry about dying in the middle of the night by gunshots or grenades, it is them.

No, we’re not Independent. We’re dependent on these jawaans and above all, we’re dependent on ‘The Government’. The Government which does everything but govern. It collects taxes and promises a better India. Where is the better India? It is in the houses of these ministers, it is in the houses of corrupt officials. India is just India for us commoners. Indians still are slaves. We’re slaves to these government officials. 65 years of Independence and racism still exists. We still live in an orthodox society. The fight for freedom still isn’t over. Remember the ‘Quit India Movement’ of 1942? The two eyes of India (The Hindus and The Muslims) united to fight against The British. Why not today then? Why can’t we unite to fight against the government? To fight against corruption? Is our pride so important that we disrespect our nation’s biggest strength- unity?

I cannot speak on behalf of all the Indians but, I can speak for myself. I pledge that I will strive to bring about whatever little change I can bring in our society, in our nation. I hope all of you do too. I’m proud of India and I’m proud of those true Indians who die to protect us but, I cannot be proud of all Indians. I cannot be proud of myself as an Indian because, quite frankly, I have done nothing for my nation, I probably never will but, I vow to try. It is the thought that counts people! It is our right to freedom, fight for it. Happy Independence Day!

A salute to the tri-color and a salute to the Defence Forces. Jai Hind!

image

Over A Cup of Coffee

With an extra large mug of extra-sweet, steaming coffee in hand & her favorite song blasting through her headphones, she sat by her window overlooking the lake and the park. Her folks weren’t up yet and she enjoyed the solitude, the bliss. It was a beautiful day. The sunrise, the slight drizzle, everything was perfect and blissful. That is until the reality settles in.

Seeing the vehicles pass by, a bout of sadness creeps inside her. A void, a hollow. A void that cannot be filled. A void that was created when her dreams were snatched and shattered into a million pieces. With them gone, a part of her died. Sitting here by this window is the most freedom she can get. She had her dreams, her ambitions but, all she could now do was sit here by the window and see the world go on.

She wasn’t an ideal daughter. Far from it, actually. She made a lot of mistakes, like every other teenager does. All she wanted was to belong somewhere, to fit in. She didn’t belong here with her family, their views on everything were different. And, she didn’t. belong with her group of friends. They were far too immature. Life for them, meant movies, shopping and just about anything that screams fun. That’s not what she wanted. Just when, she’d found the people she felt she related to, somehow, fate stuck it’s bally foot. And ‘BOOM’! There goes everything!

Now, her world had been confined to these four walls that her family called ‘home’. To her, though, it was just a ‘house’. As she sat there, she saw children waiting for their school busses, their parents fussing over them. Oh, how she wished she could be that little girl in Pigtails! Or that pretty girl standing there with her friends, chatting animatedly as they wait at the rickshaw stand. There were college students waiting at the bus stop. Adults rushing to their vehicles as they head for their offices. People spotting, this is what she did every morning. She’d wake up early every morning and observe the people going about their lives. She’d imagine she was one of them and for that fleeting moment, she’d be happy. She sat ther, sipping on her coffee and totally content in imagining her as someone else. This was her private escape. She watched the little kids play in the park, their laughter booming in the air and she laughed along. Then there were those guys playing football and she cheered them on. This was her routine, an hour of fun, away from reality, away from her troubles.

“Sarah!” called a voice and just like that, it was over. She sipped the last of her coffee and she realised that life, just like coffee, was bittersweet. It had it’s moments and they weren’t all good. Shaking her head to get out of the daze, she wiped a stray tear and called out, “Coming, Mom!” Time to face the reality. Time to get back to her world. Time to end her pity-party for one. Though, what she loathed the most was, that it was time to be herself, again.

image

The Vulnerable Beauty Hidden Within..

Your eyes, they speak volumes. They betray your words with an underlying emotion. The deep hollowness, it justifies the pain in your soul. The sorrow, the hurt, the misery all etched into one. The words you speak sound truthful enough, but the pain in your eyes shows the tell-tale signs of a tainted past. The ebb of happiness in your life, your piercing gaze shows. The icy stare explains how murky life was for you, though no one could or can even come close to imagining the extent of it. You stand tall with your shoulders squared and you walk with your head held high, but there’s something about you, that shows hesitance. The way you sweep your gaze through your surroundings, as if assessing danger, betrays your pretentious confidence. Palms curled into fists so tight, your knuckles turn white. Narrowed eyes zooming in on your prey, the beautiful turquoise of your eyes turns dark smoldering grey. There’s a blazing fire in them, a hint of malice, the signs of revenge so clear. The intense glare, that could be the reason for anyone’s fear. The shield that protects you comes down, if only for a second, you frown. Under the carefree persona, lies a girl with dark secrets. A girl who is just as scared as any. You dun the people around you to show dominance, in reality, you’re being haunted. You come across as hateful, though you’re anything but it. Behind the smirking grinch, lies a blushing beauty. He sees through all that facade you put, and he knows you, the real you. When you look at him, your gaze softens, your posture relaxes visibly. Gone is the hard exterior, all that remains is the vulnerable, insecure beauty, as you break down into tears that could break even the stone-hearted.

image

Feelings wrapped up in words.

When I started writing 4 years back, I was just as amateur as my work. Today, when I look back at those and read them, I laugh at my own foolishness. I was a 9th grader but, I bet even a 4th grader would write better than me. Yeah, I was that bad! Cheesy, corny, cheeky– you can give them just about any adjective synonymous to these three here. Ah, no regrets, though. Those ‘cheesy, corny, cheeky’ poetries and paragraphs have bought me here today. And, I just couldn’t be any happier than this. I made mistakes, I learnt through them, I rectified them and then I excelled. So yeah, no regrets. I love those first pieces just as much as I love the best of my ‘babies’! What? I write them, I make them so, I can call them my babies, right? No? Okay!

image

Well, looking back at the past 4 years, everything sure has changed. Though, yes, even if I could, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, I admit I wouldn’t have imagined creating a blog back in grade 9. Heck, I doubt, I even knew what a blog was, back then. I was just another neglected teenager- fat, with thick glasses, socially awkward, naive, shy- pretty much the picture of an introvert. Well, I still, sort of am one but, the ones who know me, know the improvement too. Heck, I was the girl who was scolded by her English teacher in almost every class for sleeping. I stuttered when I was called upon but, I bet, if she were to see me today, she’d be proud of me. I know, I would be had I been in her place. I may be a bit biased, though. But, nobody can deny that time has done me good. When I look back in time, it’s hard to recognize this new me. It feels too good to be true and I think, “This is it, I’ll wake up any moment now and I’ll be back to reality.” But, I know this is the reality and this is my life. However, hard it gets, I’ve got to keep moving.

image

“Day by day, nothing changes but, when you look back, everything is different.” How apt! Applies to all of us, doesn’t it? I would never have thought my life would ever take the course it has back then but, today when I take that walk down the memory lane, everything falls in place. It’s like this huge jigsaw, once you join the outlining pieces, everything gets all that easier. Coming from where I have and going through what I’ve been, at 17, I’m much more mature than most folks my age. It is one troublesome thing, I tell you! You’ve got to hurry to catch up with the older ones and it gets difficult to maintain any sort of relationship with people your age. You just feel like the odd man out. And, for this particular reason, I’ve been a loner most of my life. What with having siblings who are as close to a decade older than you! And, what with your parents being as narrow-minded as your broad-mindedness! Now, you see where I’m coming down from?

I’m unused to attention so, don’t worry if I come across as some weird chick. I’m just as sane as a sane person is. Or at least, I think I am. But, as I’ve mentioned being socially-awkward and as you probably must have heard, “Ignorance is bliss.” Also, feel free to express your opinions, we live in a free country, after all. (Free in name only but, free nonetheless.) So, well, that’s about it. Also, the people who’ve bugged me day and night to get a blog, there you go but, I’d like to warn you. I now, have a new platform to rant and whine. Do not blame me if I get carried away. You know who you’re if you’re reading this, which you most definitely are. Also, I love all of you who took your precious time to read all of this pointless blabbering I’ve written above. Patience is a strong emotion. (Is it an emotion? I cannot be too sure. I think, my mom must’ve dropped me on my head as a baby, a few too many times) Oh well, I’m done with my ranting. You guys are awesome! Thank you! :*