Of loneliness and agony.

Lost between the pages,
I kept waiting for someone to come find me.
It was ages before there was a knock on the cover,
And then a swish,
Like someone trying to dust off the cobwebs.
I was left on the shelves for far too long,
My pages were yellowed and moth-bitten.
The words appeared faded,
Their ink having bled out from years of loneliness.
When the cover finally opened,
The first sliver of light
Breathed life into each word,
And soon it was all sunshine and rainbows.
Alas, all good things must come to an end.
It was a beautiful day,
I was revelling in my new found happiness,
When a sharp pain hit my spine.
A crack and a rip.
My pages were being torn.
One by one.
And I yearned to be back on the shelves again.
The pain lasted until I was stripped off all my glory,
Until I had lost all sense of identity.
And then came a thump,
And absolute darkness.
The cover was closed.
I was thrown back on the shelves again.
Only this time,
There were no pages to get lost into.
Only a perpetual darkness
Haunted by demons,
And a noise,
Like pages being shred.
And I was lost.
This time, forever.

The Unknown

You fall,
The abyss, so far down below,
Just a tiny speck of black paint
On a blank canvas.
The fall, it seems endless,
But you’re tumbling down
Faster than ever.
The dormant butterflies,
Quite rudely awoken,
Flapping their monstrous wings,
Roaring like a lion in anguish.
The nearer you get,
The larger it seems to grow,
A monster waiting open-mouthed,
Its razor-sharp teeth proudly on display.
Your heart beats wildly,
Threatening to break free,
The fear, at the sight of those jagged edges,
Making you lose your mind.
Images flash behind your eyes.
A life never lived,
Only spent.
Meaningless existence.
The fear, it grips your heart,
Paralyses your body,
Until it is the only thing you feel.
And then comes the dreaded moment,
You land.
A thump much softer than you’d expected.
You look around, wide-eyed,
Speechless,
And then an unexpected laugh bubbles out of you,
The kind that’ll echo around you for years to come,
Where tears stream down your face,
And you find it hard to stop.
Wiping the tears, you finally realise,
The unknown need not always be feared,
For, often times,
There’s nothing but our own minds
To be afraid of.

A New Beginning.

She’d preserved her tears,
In an airtight container,
And locked them away,
In the darkest corner
Of the storage.
Her laugh, too,
Lay thoughtfully, in a trunk
Beside those tears,
Just slightly worn out and termite-bitten.
Covered with cobwebs,
And screened by a thick film of dusty memories.
Locked in with rust,
Pervading that age-old scent  
Of nostalgia.
And with every sunset,
She awaited the fireflies,
Who’d remind her of warm summer nights
Spent under this very porch.
The swing sat right where it’d been all those years ago,
Only now it was rusted and rotting away.
She heard voices echo all around her,
The empty house suddenly filled by the shouts and laughter of its previous inhabitants.
The stairs creaked with every step she took,
Warning her of the horror that was awaiting her.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the dreaded door.
The pieces of the shattered glass lay right where she remembered them to be,
The mirror, still cracked and blood-stained,
The curtains, half torn down.
With shaking hands, she reached for that trunk,
And she heard her laughter, so full of life, turning hollow.
But then, she pushed open the windows,
To let the summer breeze in,
And grabbed the broom lying in the corner,
Starting to sweep away the remnants of an ugly past.
The sun rays filtering in through the windows,
Had brought the room back to life.
And she heard her laugh turn lively again,
And she looked into the container to see those tears disappear.
Standing by the window with her eyes closed,
She breathed in the fresh air,
Opening her eyes to see the sunset taking away the ugliness from her life.
The fireflies came around, bringing back the smile that she’d once lost in this very room.

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Searching.

My sun has reached its nadir,
Cloaking me with darkness,
On a moonless night.
The stars, too, shine a little less,
Refusing to disobey the sun and the moon.
And yet again, I’m left alone,
To try to find my broken pieces in these shadows.
Some still intact,
Some damaged beyond repair
And some so sharp, they slice right through me,
Letting the happiness and sanity leak out,
Spreading the poisonous despair all through my veins.
It leaves me there,
Paralysed by my ownself,
Never wanting to dream or break free again.
And these voices inside my head,
They shout, mocking me,
“Look, what dreaming has reduced you to.”
And I fall, into a heap of those broken dreams,
The shards piercing every pore of my being,
And yet, all I feel is numb.
Too tired to plead for help,
And too far gone to care.

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Lost and found

Lost in the crowd. She was looking for her bearings, looking for a footing for herself. Bullshit! She was trying to look for herself in them. She’d lost herself years ago and now, she was trying to find her identity. Who was she? She didn’t know. They asked her that question often and she? She just shrugged casually but, the hesitance was visible if you looked carefully, her shoulders stiff when she answered with, “I’m lost.” And then, she’d move away further, looking here and there and everywhere.

She’d spent so much time being lost and now, she wanted to be found. She wanted to be noticed. She felt like the ‘Nowhere Man’ The Beatles spoke about. “He’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody. Doesn’t have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to, isn’t he a bit like you and me?” But here, she didn’t feel a bit like him. No, she felt just like him. As if the song was written for her. She was a nobody, the ‘Nowhere Lady’ she liked to call herself.

Exhausted from her search, she lay in her world of whites and blues. Her room, her sanctuary, her world away from the world. That was her nowhere land where she made her nowhere plans for herself. “Tomorrow,” she said, “tomorrow I’ll find myself and if I fail, I’ll make myself.” with the new found determination she fell asleep, dreaming about what tomorrow shall bring.

With the rays of the sun filtering through her curtains, she felt her rays of hope brighten. Yeah, today she’d find herself. If not, she’d tear herself a new identity. And, tear she did. She spent the day trying to look for herself in them. Needless to say, she failed miserably. She couldn’t possibly find someone who was like her. Not even close. Something inside her flickered and she tried to look for it. Years of searching had made her an expert, she was sure she’d find what that flicker was. She looked inside herself and felt ecstatic! That would be an understatement. Her happiness couldn’t possibly, be explained in words. She was practically radiating waves of it from her body. She was the sunshine. All these years of searching for herself and she finally, found herself hidden within her. She wasn’t lost anymore and today when people asked her, “Who are you?” she grinned and clapped while answering them with, “I’m found.”

With her new found identity, she hopped and jumped around the town like a kid on Christmas morning. She was being herself and the people who so much as didn’t glance at her in the years gone, were today, smiling at her, some laughing even. “This is Christmas,” she told herself,”My Christmas!”

After a few weeks of having found herself and nothing better to do she decided to find her nowhere man, “Surely, it wouldn’t be that hard.” she thought to herself. With that, she started with her usual routine. Searching the crowd, only this time, it wasn’t herself she was looking for, it was him. A certain him, to be precise. And, find him, she did. He was the same guy she spent time with. They’d sit at the cafe and talk endlessly for hours. It truly was Christmas season for her. She wanted to help him find himself but, by the end of the day she felt her hopes dwindling, a little. This was too much work. She shook her head and promised him that she’d find him tomorrow. With that said, she left for her world.

The next day, with her hopes rejuvenated, she left in search of him. It wasn’t hard at all. He was sitting at their usual cafe. She strolled in withthat oh-so-contagious smile of her’s. Today, she decided to tell him her story. Her story of being lost and found. By the end of it, he was smiling just as brightly as her. And, she knew he too had found himself, just the way she did. She found herself distracted by his smile. It was blinding and she felt the world around her starting to disappear. The strumming of his guitar brought her out of her reverie. She laughed as he started singing ‘Always a woman to me’.

“She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. And she only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child but, she’s always a woman to me.” she laughed all through it. From being the ‘Nowhere Lady’ to being his ‘Woman’, that sure was some achievement! She’d found herself in being herself.